Midnight Pearl

The disease for the stupid people island will be Leoprasy...that was decided a while ago...i just forgot to post it. That's all I have to say and I think I even spelled it wrong. I should start studying the dictionary. Oh well.


You will perish of fits. Repeat this to yourself:
"Things can work out even if I don't get
my way. Things can work out even...."


What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

It 5:30...I think I might be able to sleep now. I'm gonna try. :)

It is 2:30 in the morning and I am awake...again. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. Well I can sleep...but falling asleep is challenging. Once I am asleep though, no problems. I think I think too much. there is no stopping it though. My brain just keeps on going...and going...and going. Even in my sleep I am dreaming about the stuff I was thinking about and I wake up thinking some more. That is all I do all day is think about the same old stuff. It sucks too because it isn't happy stuff. Nope it is aaron stuff. He only wants to be friends now. That's all I wanted about a month ago but then I got the idea in my head that things could be good again and got my hopes all up and now...just friends. ok. I can do that. but I think constantly. It makes me sad. I need a distraction. A boy distraction...a job distraction...something. No money though. No money...no gas...no job. I will have money soon...then gas...then I will apply for the job I want...but I don't even know if it is still open. I know I can call...and I would if I woke up early enough in the morning that mom wasn't online. I need to be able to sleep at night so I can be awake in the morning. I just can't do it. wellll...Oh yeah. the new Toys R Us commercial...hahahahhaa. wow. bunnies...loads of them...singing peter cotton tail to the Giraffe. It makes me laugh. "ok ok...please just stop" or something like that. you have to see it. Hendeo's shark has fin rot and lost part of his back fin...it is like a battle wound now. AND...one of her dalmation fish are pregnant. Apparently dalmation fish have live births! NEat-O!!! ok. well that is all.

Oh and check out the super hero page over there...I'm Demented Damsel :)

Here is my update...update.

Life has been uneventful. Denice and Michael can't come here next month like they wanted and it makes me sad. Aaron is sick...well he has cysts on his tonsils and can't eat. (You have permission to cheer Wickkett, he is in pain lol) It was rainy today...yuck. I don't like the gloominess of cloudy rainy days. I think the sun should shine when it rains. :) Life wants to make things hard on me. Everytime I make a plan that sounds good and takes the stress off of me with this baby, insurance, house thing something comes around and bites me in the butt. Aparently, because I am 18 (19 soon but that doesn't count) I am irresponsable. Goddamn stupid people for making the government generalize. There are too many of them. I wish I could send them to a deserted Island with a deadly disease. I would feel better. There would be a panel of course...a panel of judges who could decide whether one was stupid enough and deserved to be sent to that island. I would of course be on that panel, Hendeo and the other frenzy girls of course, Wickkett, Mom,...there will be a few more but not sure who just yet...I will collaborate with the current members to find others. OH TO DREAM! :) I'm a bit IRKED (spelled correctly :) ) with the world and it's generalizations...and my own generalizations...there is no way around it. The worst one for me is music genre's...I hate them...but we are a lazy society and must make things easy for everyone so we generalize the sounds of different musical groups/bands/singers and put them into different groups. Like emo...now I am a sap...I like emotional music...but GODDAMN...Country is emotional too! How the hell can you catagorize like we do? Barugh. What's worse is that I have no choice but to partake in this generalization because it is what we do...I am a lazy American. Fuck. ok...no more.

Today was much better than the past seven but I am not sure why. I sun-tanned with my sister and made her giggle her butt off. It was great fun. She has the cutest laugh. it was nice. I also finished my book. I plan on starting another tomorrow...I don't know if it will be The perks of being a wall flower which I have read twice already (one of my favorite for sure...or Dharma Bums or if I will venture to the library and see if I can find another Tom Robbins book. One thing is for sure...I need to read more. I could also begin As I lay Dieing. I don't know. I had intended on posting some interesting philosophies from Still Life With Woodpecker on here but I don't have much time. Dad is wanting on the line. So with that I will go. G'night!

OK...so I am not really political or anything...I don't claim a party or anything...but I am very opinionated and mom recieved this e-mail and I liked it but I am against the fwding of e-mail so instead I will blog it and if you haven't recieved it yet you can read it here.

Things you must believe to remain a Republican today:

a. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for
your recovery

b. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

c. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of
illness.

d. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their
jobs to India.

e. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without
regulation.

f. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

g. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

h. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for
Governor of California as a Republican.

i. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

j. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then
demand their cooperation and money.

k. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.


l. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health
care to all Americans is socialism.

m. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

n. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad
guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

o. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.

p. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

q. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.

r. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft
can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to
adopt.

s. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

t. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Remember:

"We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat
now."
--Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

AND:

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President or that
we are
to stand by the President, right or wrong is not only unpatriotic and
servile, it is morally treasonable to the American Public. " --
President
Theodore Roosevelt

Today sucks. Things suck a lot. Aaron...he is the reason for most of it. Bleh. I watched Mona Lisa's Smile tonight. it made me cry. I am such a baby. Really great movie though. Awesome even. I had to take a test today...an hour and a half of "160+23+47" and "what number goes with this word" really really ridiculous. Apparently I scored high...the way she said it...surprised and all...not a lot of people do. That is just silly. I can't believe someone could score low on that test, but ok. Hopefully it will get me a decent job for a while. Bleh some more. Today has just been a shit day. This week has been a shit week. I am not happy. I'm gonna go laugh at some bitchy gals now while we play cards and dream about getting smashed.

Second day in a row that I am on! YAY! I hope this is a trend. We will see. So nothing new has happened. I was going to send off my taxes today but I got confused and forgot how I did them. *sigh* I will figure it out soon I hope. The past few days have been pretty blah. I hope they change. I think they will once I get out and about again. I don't do well couped up at home all day. I have things I have to do anyway, like find a job. note to self: FIND A JOB! ok. I really hate how everything revolves around money. Money and I have a love hate relationship. I hate it and love it at the same time and well...it just hates me. It always wants to leave me and go to someone else...like Wal-mart...my money loves wal-mart. suck. Well I think i am going to go check my mail and then watch some cowboy bebop...am I spelling it right? Oh and I do enjoy the series quite a bit...I think I will re-watch the movie when I finish the box set. Have a nice night :)

So I changed my Weather Pixie...She is neat. I think i will probably change her a few times before I settle on the one I want. They are all so neat! hehe. I can't remember how to add links though. Have to re-learn. :)

This last weekend was nice...well friday was nice. Sarah didn't get there until late but when she did we had great fun with Kait, Matt, and Dustin. Interactive DVD movie trivia game and a movie about the national spelling bee. It was awesome. Only pure nerds will understand :)

After returning home everything has become pretty uneventful. No job anymore...boss just hired three new people and doesn't have room for me to come back. It's probably a good thing though because working there is just a bit too stressful. Now I only have the stress of finding a new job. Wickkett has some nice ideas I will be looking into probably tomorrow though.

Justin came to see me tuesday. It was great. I miss him a lot. I wish he would move here. It is so hard to say goodbye when you know you won't see the other person for at least three months. It makes everything so hard. I am glad I have him though. He is such a wonderful friend and person. I just wish he was around more often. That's probably the shittiest part of life to me...having to say goodbye to people you love...moving on from old friends...I can never seem to let go, even if it is for the best. SIGH. oh well.

Well I guess that is all for now. There isn't much time to get on the line anymore since I have been home so posts will be few and far between. Hehe...I've never been able to say that in a real sentence before. BIG THANKS TO THE MUSICIAN AND WICKKETT FOR MAKING MY BLOG BEAUTIFUL!!!

ok so I hate teachers and people that I have to see cause they are never around. fuck it all. oH well. I'm not really angry just urked. is that how you spell it? maybe it is ircked...who the hell cares. well i'm all packed up and all my shit does not fit in my car. hopefully Hendeo will let me put it in hers. :) She is supposed to be here soon but I can't get ahold of her and I am starting to get worried. I MIGHT see a boy tonight and that will be fun...but it prolly won't happen. Oh well. I will have my Hendeo. bah humbug. what? I don't know. i think I am going crazy. It must be the eye liner. Don't ask. well I have nothing to say. ok. OHHHH wait...no I am getting e-mails from Aaron's mom now. URGH. She is impossible. RAWR. she says stupid things and when I comment on them she pretends like she never said it. Well I am going to go enjoy The White Stripes on my Compact Disc Player now. :)

Is blogger being stupid to anyone else today?

I haven't talked to aaron since friday when I told him that we shouldn't worry about me/him things, they aren't important. So there is nothing to say on that.
I have gotten so far behind in school that there is no fixing it. Not this semester. So I have decided that I am going to pull out, take my year off, come back as planned. I am just leaving a couple of months early. I just can't handle all of this stuff at once. not right now, with hormones going everywhere and things being so complicated with aaron. Too much, it is all too much. So i have a meeting with Dr. Herrick tomorrow to get everything situated. I will probably be home by this weekend.

Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

So things have gotten weird
Aaron has turned around and said some different things again. I don't think he knows what he feels or what he wants...and frankly I'm not so sure I do either. I am trying to be patient and just wait and see what happens. we spoke for a long time tonight...first about important things...and then just chatting...both were good...no arguing or anything...nothing resolved just kind of talked out a bit. He wants someone to make his decisions for him...he is scared to deal with this but morally thinks he has no choice. I don't know what is going to happen but I am trying not to let it bother me. Anyway it is late I think it is time for sleep.

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you,
you have a long history of rising above adversity.  Recent adversity has led to questions
about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage to attract a
number of tourists and admirers.  And despite any setbacks, you can really cook a good
meal whenever it's called for.  Good enough to make people cry.
face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips
with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue,
but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard
time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant
anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Mom told Aaron's mom. She is trying to make him take the child support route instead of signing over his parental rights. I don't like it. I know she has the right to be a part of this but I don't want aaron in it and he doesn't want to be. I can honestly say that I am over him. I am not over the pain he caused or the anger...but him I can move on from. I am in knots. I'm not really sure what I am feeling. I think it is border line hatred. I just can't believe some things. I hate this, all of it. I want to make it all disappear. I wish I could. I just hope that I can use this experience to my advantage. I have to be positive about this. so that is what I will do...try to be positive.

Talked to Aaron a bit ago. I had to ask him what he thought about the insurance stuff. He told me what he thought and what he wanted. I tried to change the subject but he had to bring up stupid stuff. So we got into it and I let out a lot of pent up anger. He makes me so angry now. I can't believe he is such a dick. I can't believe I fell for such a dick. I have always been able to see people for what they are...except for boyfriends. I refuse to ever see what is really there...whether it is good or bad. I just hope that one day I will be able to find someone who is good to me and keep them. I regret ever letting go of justin. I hate myself for not seeing what an amazing person he was and is. I can only be thankful that I have his friendship. I can't believe I made the mistake named Aaron. I can't believe I gave him that part of me. I can't believe I didn't see the immaturity and the ignorance. Everyone told me it was there. We had some great times together and I really do still love him...in a way....I'm having his child I guess I don't have a choice but to love him in some way anymore. I got so sad and angry, I called mom after talking to him and she thinks it is time to tell his parents. I am worried because I don't want them to have any rights to my baby...but I know that it is a possibility. Aaron will either have to sign away the rights or pay child support. I hope he choses to sign the papers. I really hope he does. I know he won't though. His parents will make him take responsibility for it and they will want to be a part of it and it will be a miserable thing. I've deleted old emails that I had saved from him...except for one poem he wrote a long time ago...and voice mails I had saved...and I changed my welcome message on my phone and my banner and all of it. I am still sad...but I am angry and hurt and I don't know...everything. RAWR.

Still haven't written that paper. I did talk to my prof though and he is giving me time to turn it in so it is ok. Here is what isn't ok...Last night at dinner with Anna she started telling me of a Documentary she saw not to long ago on a Discovery Channel. It was about North Korea and all the shit that is happening there and I wondered if any of you gals have heard about it. Apparently the middle and lower classes are starving to death and instead of planting food to feed their starving country, the government is planting poppies or whatever it is they use to make opium or some drug like that. If you try to leave the country, you are killed or sent to a camp, much like the camps in Germany during WWII....but not just you...your whole family. Same thing happens if you try to speak out against what is going on. The only people who are eating well...or eating at all really are military and government officials. We can't step in and help out though...they have nuclear weapons. So soon enough North Korea is going to be filled with fat, selfish, power hungry military/government people who have a nuclear weapon or two. I don't know about you but that scares the hell out of me. I think I will just try and believe that it isn't true...even the discovery channel can lie.

Must write paper. Must. I have to. it is a week late already. So sick of having to do this stuff for classes I don't enjoy. urgh. Why can't I just take lots of psychology? Why? I want to. That is all I want to do. I have been taking stupid general courses my whole life...I'm done with them. I don't want to write this fucking paper. What I want to do is go to Ft. Smith, snatch Sara up and drag her with me to Eureka Springs to track down her best friend (and my soul mate ;)) Orlando...now why can't I just do that? What the hell does it matter what I think about Martin Luther and one of his stupid views on catholicism and God and all that? Who cares? I KNOW the professor doesn't care. Is he going to remember my paper from the other 50,000 he has read in his career? yes...he will...if I don't write it. I'm just lazy. Burnt out. Tired of it all. I will sleep on it...maybe I will write it in the morning. yes. sleep. sleep is good. i don't get enough of it on the weekdays.

This weekend was uneventful and I am semi glad it is over...it just means that there is a shorter amount of time between now and friday. sad when you are looking forward to the weekend on the weekend. Sarah comes home this friday and I miss her so much! I am excited to see her. We will watch Thelma and Louise (that is our movie hehe) and eat home made nachos (our own secret recipe) and Doritos Guacamole chips. mmmmm MMMM I can't wait! I'm worried about facing her parents cause they now know about the baby stuff. speaking of. I don't feel pregnant anymore. no more sickness...no more cramping...emotions seem fine...I get sad every other couple of days but only cause I haven't talked to aaron in a week and it makes me sad. But it isn't everyday. Most of the time I am happy. I don't feel different anymore at all. It kind of scares me but I am paranoid. yeah. I've been playing the computer version of Dance Dance Revolution...it is called Dance With Intensity. I'm getting pretty good. It probably isn't good that I found the game though because I play it non-stop. It is fun. I would like to see Sara and Jason play the actual dacing one. hehehe. Jason on a DDR machine. I really do want to see this now. :) Well...I have to study for a test, write a paper, and shower. I think i will nap though. :)