Midnight Pearl

Do doctors go to the doctor? I ask because I am watching Becker right now and he went to the doctor...if you haven't seen that sitcom before, Becker is a doctor himself. So I got curious.

The Linkin Park concert tonight was amazing. We got there 4 hours early and still weren't early enough to get in the pit...but we had pretty good seats. Story of the Year were amazing. Truely amazing. I never thought I liked Hoobastank that much but they were great too. I've decided that I don't like POD...like at all. I like one of their songs but that is it. Their part of the concert bored me. Linkin Park was soooo good. They perform very well. I didn't think I liked them all that much either but they were so good that I have a new appreciation for them. It was a wonderful experience. Every concert is though. I love concerts. I need to be a roadie or something.

I had something to say. I can't remember what.

Last night I went too UCA to see a retired FBI profiler speak. He is the man who coined the term "serial killer". I was so excited to hear what he had to say...hoping for wonderful useful information since that is my dream job. He told neat sstories and gave basic information...little silly facts like the difference between mass murderers, spree killings, and serial killers...told us about interviews he did with Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, The cult leader with the kool-aid...he was funny...but he wasn't very informative. I think I expected too much. It was interesting none-the-less. I missed a test on monday which is no good and I can't get to my email to see when I am supposed to make it up...I also missed tuesday and I was supposed to turn in a paper and I slept through class today which is very very bad. I must hope that the prof. will still take the paper. oh please please please take the paper. I woke up the other morning and my wrist hurt...it was tuesday morning. It hurt like I used it to stop myself from falling (i'm a clutz I definately know what that feels like). I used it like normal and expected it to stop within the next couple of days...well it still hurts like a bitch. I am going to see Linkin Park, Hoobastank, POD, and Story of the Year this friday. I'm kinda excited...only because I really love the environment of a concert or show. Loads of people there for music. It is great. well I need to eat some food so I am going to go do that.

It turns out that there is a crappy TV version of Ferris Buhler that Jennifer Aniston was in. I never knew they did such disresect to that movie. Nothing against Jennifer Aniston, but a different TV version?!

I knew today was going to be hell when I left this afternoon for school...I rolled out of the driveway (no more reverse) and when I turned on my car and went to leave...well I didn't have enough roll and I accidently bumped the mail box...it is still standing. Then I had to try and push it but I couldn't and this lady got out of her van to help. I finally got up the road and to a gas station where I asked the attendent to "filler up" and he did and it turned out that the gas prices are so fucking high now that I can't fill my tank with twenty bucks anymore so I had to run back home, cry to mom and get one dollar so I could pay the nice gas man back. So I was so worried...i just knew I was going to crash or get a ticket or something...luckily I didn't do either and got to school safe and sound. oh and to top the morning off...I picked up my cell phone to make a call and the fuckers turned it off. It doesn't make any sense because I'm not late paying my bill and I can't be over my minutes already, the new month just started. Life is silly. I got to go to wal-mart today though. it was interesting. not really but oh well. I am going to see a FBI profiler tomorrow at UCA. I am really excited because that is my ideal job. I haven't spoke with aaron at all today or yesterday...it feels weird. Maybe this cell phone mishap will be good because with out it I can't call him. who knows. I also found out today that I missed a test yesterday. I also missed class today so the paper that was due today is going to be turned in tomorrow...late. Hopefully both teachers will take my excuse. Yesterday I had orientation at the birthing center I am going to. I am really happy with it. My midwife graduated from Case Western Reserve, which is where my best friend is going to nursing school and they are hardcore so I know she is good. Sarah H. is really happy about this too. Well...I don't know what else to say. Oh except for...watch out...TV Guide lies. Today at wal-mart I was looking at the cover and it said the Jennifer Aniston (SP?) was in ferris Buhler in 1990...that is a lie...she is not in that movie...at all. Liars. ok. that's all now. :)

That last post was actually written on the 21st...today the 22nd has been good. I was bored out of my mind for most of it though. I saw Heather and Robin at the mall and that was nice. I talked to Mandy and Aaron on the phone and those were both nice. I've even made some of the decisions I had to make and I hate having to make decisions. I'm really happy I don't have to go to class tomorrow. I have a paper due on Tuesday though and I haven't started it. It will be a bitch but I'll get it done. I always do. I really do enjoy being home. I don't much care for school anymore at all. I would like to quit now and just say fuck it until after the baby is born. That is a bad idea though. So I will suffer. I've been thinking about it and hanging out with sara and I've found that I am very ignorant to people from our history. I don't know who anyone from the past is. I blame this on the fucked up history teachers I have had that made that class nothing but a nap time. Fuckers. Walking by Abercrombie today I almost felt my soul leave my body. That store encompases everything I hate about everything. The body image, the corporatness, the lies, the fucking grossness of it all. The most hilarious thing was said yesterday night on SNL...it was time for the news and they were talking about stupid Georgia and the ban in public schools to use the word evolution. Talk about pissing me off...that is just plain ignorance. How can they legally, morally, anythingly do that! Anyway...SNL was making fun of it and said that instead of calling dinosaurs Dinosaurs they were now going to be called Jesus Horses. HAHAHAHA! It cracks me up. Jesus Horses. How clever they are. I think I've made up a word and I almost used it but I couldn't find it to figure out how to spell it. Damn. I do that too much, make things up. Good song lyrics for some whiny ass people.

Lot of knots, lot of snags,
lot of holes, lot of cracks lot of crags. Lot of naggin' old hags,
lot of fools, lot of fool scum bags.
Oh it's such a drag, what a chore... oh your wounds are full of salt.
Everything's a stress and what's more, well it's all somebody's fault.

Hey! Get over it!

Makes you sick, makes you ill,
makes you cheat, slipping change from the till.
Had it up to the gills... makes you cry while
the milk still spills. Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain...
Well it's all a crying shame. What
left to do but complain? Better find someone to blame.

Hey! Get over it!

Got a job, got a life, got a four-door and a faithless wife.
Got those nice copper pipes, got an ex, got a room for the night.
Aren't you such a catch?
What a prize! Got a body like a battle
axe... Love that perfect frown, honest eyes...
We ought to buy you a Cadillac.

Hey! Get over it!


I know they played that a lot on the radio but if people are a lot like me then you don't quite understand what in the hell they are saying...here is what they are saying...take it to heart. :) OK...well I'm finished. :)

Today is a day of badness in the head of Dani. I woke up depressed...which is bad since it is momma's birthday and she needed all the happiness she can get. I am sad, scared, confused, frustrated, stressed, and just plain AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I don't know what to do...how to think...what to feel...nothing. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I don't want to do it without him. I want to move on but feel like I don't know how. I had a pseudo date friday night...it was eventless. It was with a friend and it wasn't a real date...a "fling" of sorts I guess. We were both just lookin for some fun. we drove for a while and then I took him to a friend of his and went home. After that though I went to Sara's and we played cards at Denny's with the coolest people I have met around here. She has great friends...cute one's too! They are the type of people I could see myself around a lot. No one I used to feel comfortable with is anywhere near here...that or they have changed a lot and I have changed a lot so it just isn't fun anymore. Today I got majorly stressed about insurance...him...what to do. Free...spend money...respect...being broke...forcing him into this...leaving it be. If I go one way he won't be happy at all and I will be "disrespected" (to quote dad) but I won't have to pay for anything...if I go the other I won't have a lot of money to pay for it all but he won't be brought into it all and I won't have a problem recieving good care. I just don't know. It makes me think that maybe even having the baby isn't worth it. I am miserable. I am not enjoying this at all. It is supposed to be a happy time, a time of preparation, joy, and love. For me...because of this I am stressed to the max, my body is going insane, I'm uncomfortable all the time, I've lost the person I love, I can't even sleep anymore. I am so discouraged. I don't know what I am doing and I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to do it without him. Damn him!!! Why does he have to be such an immature fuck ass!?!?! Why couldn't I have waited until I found someone who was mature enough to handle this. I've always known this was a possibility. I should have kept in mind the age of the person I was with. I always get myself into messes. I guess it is a part of life. But this is why people run away...this is why there are so many fucked up people in the world...because of the messes life throws at you and the messes you throw at yourself. I am so sick and tired of messes and games and everything. I just don't know what to do. I want to sleep forever...like in a coma or something so that I don't have to deal with it all. That will never happen and I would never make it happen or anything...but it would be nice. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! The stupid thing is...I keep on thinking...why don't I just marry him. I mean he will then be there for me...he may not love me anymore but at least I won't be alone. Then I kick my own ass. Jesus CHRIST Dani!!! That is the stupidest thing you have ever even thought. The thing is...I don't think I really truely love him anymore either...I just don't want to do this alone...without him. I mean I love him in a way and this is a part of the both of us and I want him to be there with me to enjoy it...but I DON'T want to marry him. BLAAAAHHHH! Life is too complicated and I don't know what to think or feel. Justin...why the hell aren't you home?!!! It is your job to STOP me from thinking and you are no where to be found! ok. I think I am done spewing.

Today is such a Beautiful day. I am so happy today. It is warm and breezy and I am wearing a skirt and people are in shorts. It is so great I couldn't mess it up with classes. I slept through my first one and I am saying fuck it to the second. I will live. You just gotta skip sometimes. :) Aaron adn I are actually talking again. A little. not much. but it makes me feel better. I think today might be the first day of non-mourning. Maybe after today I can really just keep my mind off of him and REALLY move on. maybe not. I know it will take some time. I'm impatient. Well Russell and I are going to play so this is all for now. :)

I am having a rough time. I don't even really understand why. I miss Aaron...I love Aaron and it hurts me so much. He doesn't love me anymore, I should just move on. Especially since the relationship wasn't all that good. It is so hard though. It hurts so much. I went to the health dept. today and got the official test done. Positive. Due date is Oct 14. I'm happy about the baby...excited...but I couldn't help but hope that the test would be negative. I kept on thinking...maybe I can patch things up with Aaron if it is negative. Again, I don't know why. I really don't want to be with someone that immature and ridiculous. Today he mentioned getting a paternity test. That hurt so bad. I could not believe he would even think it. He is the only guy I have ever been with. I need to move on. I need to forget. I just can't. I guess it hasn't been that long. I know, give it time. I smell popcorn. Man...I want some popcorn. oh boy. so that is that.

So, I don't know what is going on. yeah. I just took a quiz in my christianity class and it was good. Catholics are...different and that is all I have to say about that. I mean I always knew they were different. I've been to many a catholic mass. But, looking at the history and everything, they are REALLY different. I'm being nice by using the word different. I didn't watch TV at all yesterday. I watched SWAT with collin ferrill...but it was on my computer and that doesn't count as TV. It isn't a great movie but it isn't bad...I think I liked it because of the amount of attractiveness in it. In Fayettville they passed a smoking ban thing. A friend of mine spends all of his time in Denny's smoking and chatting and drinking coffee and he can no longer enjoy that because there will be no public smoking. How ridiculous. It should be the buisness owners choice and not anyone elses. bah.

Wikkett...Sara...whatever...if you read this, I definately think I need a date with an attractive navy man. That is, if he doesn't mind going on a date with an emotional pregnant girl. I also need a link to your blog.

Weird thing happened. I think that once I got pregnant this mean little monster crawled into my brain and now eveytime I open my mouth mean sarcastic things come out. Don't get me wrong...they are mostly deserved by the people they are directed to...it is just like instead of keeping my opinions to myself I open my mouth. I say very clever things that I never knew I could think of. I'm not quite sure if I hate it or like it...I kinda like it. Aaron and I had a long, long talk last night and things are weird but better. We are not back together but more like starting over as friends and see what happens from there. He is a scared immature boy...maybe he will grow. Maybe not. I just finished watching star search. I hate america. The child who won should not have because his high notes are irritating. The dancer who won should not have won because he is an acrobat and not a dancer...ok that isn't right...he is a dancer, but he is not as good as the others. I can't argue with the adult winner though...they were ALL amazing! I really, really hate the fact that my breasts are killing me. They hurt so bad. Ho Hum.

After a good nights sleep (I skipped class) I am feeling better. A little bit anyway. Okay...I'm lying. I feel like poo. I'm not crying though and that helps. My eyes are so puffy it feels like I can barely open them. I really want one of those pushup bra's from Victor's secret...the kind with out padding. I just saw the stupidest commercial. Axe...the one with the frogs, old man, and worms. Dumb. Commercials are dumb. New Johnny Depp movie!!!!! He wears glasses in this one! HOLY COW! Speaking of...we read an aritcle in Poetry that said that only the Middle Class use words like Holy Cow, Holy Moly, Crap, Darn, etc. I don't remember why I just remember thinking...I say Geeze Louise a lot. Then my professor exxpanded on it and said Middle Class and people from the Mid West...I'm both. hahahaha. I am ready to go home. Not for another 7 hours though. humph. oh well. have a nice day.

I feel so alone. I know I have said it before but this time it is serious. Aaron and I broke up. He really doesn't love me like he used to and I am not happy with him anymore. I still love him so much. it hurts so bad. I mean...I'm carrying his child now and he doesn't love me. Well he says he still has feelings for me...just not like before and he was really only staying with me because of the child. I don't want to do this alone but I refuse to be in a relationship where I am not happy and when the only reason to stay is a baby. I mean I know I'm not entirely alone but I wanted Aaron by my side. I really love him. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know how to act. I just wish life was easier. Don't take any of this wrong. I did the breaking up with. I started the conversation and I ended it. I just wish I didn't have to. Everything will be ok though right? Everything will always be ok. I'm just waiting for the time when everything is finally ok.

I have twenty minutes until orchestra and decided that I would post. I bombed a poetry test today...I studied the wrong stuff and it sucked. ass. speaking of ass...Aaron is being one again...are we surprised? no it is expected. I don't know what to do about that but oh well. I heard that someone I thought was a great person at ASMS is not such a great person, in fact, he hit his girlfriend who is a good friend of mine...KILL. I just finished working out. No that isnt true, I just finished showering...I worked out before that. :) I like working out. It makes me happy. I smile when I am done working out...at least for a while. I don't think I will be a happy pregnant girl like mom was...I haven't been very happy lately. In fact, the past two days have been aweful. I have been sad and sad some more. The only good thing I can remember about the last couple of days is playing mine sweep with Justin. That was great fun! No one...well I shouldn't say no one...but my bestest friends aren't being very supportive of me, or maybe I am just emotional. I keep on getting asked ridiculous questions and told that having a baby now is going to ruin my college career and in turn my life. College isn't everything, for one...and for another, I plan on finishing and going on just like before...just this time with a special little person by my side. No one can believe that I am not worried...in fact, they all try to talk me into being worried. I hate it. I AM NOT WORRIED. I AM NOT UPSET. I AM HAPPY WITH THIS SO GET OVER IT. it isn't like YOU are the ones having a baby. Maybe it would ruin YOUR life...but I am not going to let it ruin mine. SO THERE! *rasberries* thbbbs! ok I am done. Just please stop harrassing me and just support me and be happy for me. well...now that i got all of that off of my chest it is time to dress, dry the hair, and go suck it up on the clarinet. :)

I used to have a Blurty journal but I just don't like having to go to a bunch of different sites to post on blogs or do my journal so I am going to do them all from here. Now that I have started I don't know what to write. AHHHH! For my peeps who used to read my other journal...i stopped updating it a LONG time ago and things have changed. I'm still at school but my grades last semester were aweful so I am no longer doing the pre-med thing. Psychology is my major now and I think I will be happiest if I just stick with it. Aaron and I got back together again, broke up, got together, broke up, and so on and so forth. I can see thing happening quite a bit more exceot now there is another factor involved...I'm pregnant. I can be comfortable saying this here because the only people who read this already know ;) I get really scared sometimes because I am really young and I didn't plan on this happening at all, but, there are so many people on my side who are willing to help, who I can talk to, and who are actually excited for this to happen, that I can't help but forget about how hard it will be and be excited myself. Aaron isn't too excited about it but he is slowly getting better. I just hope that one day he will be happy about it and I also hope that I will be a good mom. I think I have a good example to follow. :) Well that is all for now. I think I will veg in front of the TV for a while.


Dani